Racket vs. authentic feelings

In a nut-shell, we grow up in families or in an environment where certain emotions and behaviours are forbidden or frowned upon. For example, if you are seen moping around as a teenager, you may be told, “Pull yourself together” or “Snap out of it!” If you’re making a lot of noise, you may be told to quieten down. Conversely, we might be encouraged to artificially produce emotions that are more acceptable, such as happiness or tenderness, etc.

Some emotions in certain cultures are okay for one gender but not okay for the other. Women will not be able to show their anger, say, while men will not be allowed to cry. This might also apply along the lines of ethnicity, religion or sexuality.

Moreover, some emotions that are deemed acceptable might end up being our default setting, even though they don’t match how we’re experiencing the world at that moment in time. To have these emotions would be like driving on autopilot, or being driven by someone else, or like going through the motions when you haven’t even switched on the ignition.

The problem with growing up in these situations is that we end up with corrupted emotions. Rather than having natural emotions that can guide us, we get emotions that have been coerced, manipulated or contrived; emotions that are substitutes for other emotions; emotions that are hidden from our consciousness.

The consequences of having racket emotions is only revealed at a later time, in a later situation, when the real, stored-up emotions that never got a chance to be played out in earlier days, weeks, months or years come to the fore. Here it is likely you will have little control over the force of the emotion as it will just come out whether you like it or not – often as an explosion, often in the presence of the people you love.

Yet there is a way forward that’s less dysfunctional for all concerned. It involves:
(i) learning to allow authentic emotions to come to the fore at the very moment they occur
(ii) taking the time to recognise what your racket emotions are
(iii) finding ways to unlock your suppressed emotions within a safe environment.

Below are some questions on this subject that could be useful to you.
Are there any emotions that you find hard to access?
When do you experience false emotions? What emotions are they replacing?
When and where do your suppressed emotions tend to come out?

[This is a concept from the transactional analysis branch of psychology/counselling.]