Wellness Calendar: Saturday 18 May

Shame

Shame: (i) a distressing emotion caused by a regrettable or unfortunate action/event/situation; (ii) being made to feel a deep humiliation (iii) making someone feel ashamed; (iv) falling short of an ideal or value or belief.

Words and terms associated with shame: humiliation, blame, embarrassment, ashamed, failure, disappointment, sin, remorse, regret, degradation, disgust, contempt, inadequacy, discomfort, awkwardness.

This debilitating condition can affect anyone at any stage in life, yet people who have been traumatised and/or abused are particularly prone to feeling an overwhelming sense of shame.

As we are not born with shame, it might be safe to say that these afflictions have their origins in our interactions with other people in the outside world. The negative messages we get from these people and from our society as a whole can either blow away or chip away at our confidence, our self-esteem, until we start to absorb, integrate and embody the messages as though they were our own.

Some people see shame like a parasite or a virus that has managed to infect them. Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung called shame “a soul-eating emotion”. Other people have recognised that shame is highly contagious and once it’s out in the open it can cause other people’s long-buried shame to come to the fore, which is perhaps another reason why shame is so hard to talk about.

Below are some examples of how shame can manifest itself. These may be useful to get you thinking about your own relationship with yourself and with shame.
• a belief that you were in some way to blame for what happened and therefore you should be punished or punish yourself
• a belief that you deserved what happened to you because you are a terrible person
• a belief that you do not deserve to get your needs met
• a belief that you must put other people’s needs before your own
• a belief that because you have suffered trauma or abuse, you’re in some way less of a person than someone else
• a fear that you could be exposed for what you really are

The good news is that many people have found ways to overcome shame, through therapeutic means and through self-forgiveness.