Self Detective Wellness Calendar (May 2023)

1 (Mon)

2 (Tue)

It can be hard to fathom just what’s going on within our bodies (as well as trying to work out what’s going on inside other people).

One thing that makes matters of the head and heart especially hard to understand is that we don’t have a language to describe all that we’re experiencing.

Our thoughts can be dishonest and deceive us; they can be confusing, obscure and hard to understand. They can lead to uncertainty and doubt, and we can forget them in an instant. They can be unreliable, losing their impact or changing over time. They can overwhelm us, burden us, worry and disturb us. They can make us fall prey to fears and make us anxious, depressed and stressed. They can contradict themselves or lead us away from our true self. They can be easily manipulated by power-mongers and abusers.

Our feelings and emotions can also be problematic. One of the biggest issues with them is that we can misread the signs. We can, say, interpret excitement as a cue for anxiety. Feelings can be intense and overwhelm us or cause us great hurt, pain and suffering. They can also misguide us.

Emotions signal how we’re feeling at any moment in time and assist us to make decisions. However, sometimes emotions from the past (emotions that we didn’t or were unable to process at the time) can combine with a mild current feeling to produce an overwhelming response. Sometimes this can result in us getting angry with a person we are with, even though they’re not the cause of our anger. Sometimes a huge amount of fear can surge through us, even though we aren’t particularly fearful at that moment in time.

Many people mistrust their feelings, don’t like their feelings or seek to deny them. It’s estimated that one in ten people have a great deal of trouble recognising what they are. This has its own recognised status: alexithymia.

Our actions and behaviour can also get us into a lot of trouble, as you cannot undo what you’ve done. You cannot go back in time and do what you didn’t do. We can then end up consumed by guilt, shame, blame and regret over our actions or non-actions, as well as be punished by others, which then makes it hard to move on in life.

Do you have any thoughts or feelings on this subject?

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3 (Wed)

Contact doors

How do you most prefer to be contacted by other people? Through thinking? Through feelings? Through actions? Conversely, which of those methods would you least like to engage with another person by?

Psychiatrist Paul Ware came up with an idea (in 1983) that each of us tends to make our main contact with other people in one of three ways: Thinking, feeling or action.

Whichever one we’re most comfortable with is what he called the ‘open door’. The next door, which he called the ‘target door’, is the area that you could make advances into – providing you felt okay with the initial contact in the open door. Finally, there is the ‘trap door’. This is the one area that we tend to avoid because we’re likely to be uncomfortable with it and out of our depth. That said, the trap door is also the contact that in time would be most beneficial for you to explore, as it is the door to greater relational depth and greater companionship.

Below are some examples of situations that may help to explain Ware’s idea further.

Susan met Barbara for the first time and felt at ease straightaway because Barbara smiled at her and made her feel welcome. Susan would not have liked to be formally introduced to the other people in the room as that act would have made her self-conscious and flustered.

Johnny met Nigel and almost at once got involved in some discussion about why ants don’t have hearts. Johnny likes people who think outside the box. What he doesn’t like is people fussing and making sure he is feeling okay.

Greig met Polly and she invited him to take a tour around the building. Greig relaxed because he doesn’t like being still for very long, nor does he like having to think about questions people ask. He just likes doing things.

Can you say which door (open, target and trap) matches which type of contact (T,F and A) for you? Would it be a worthwhile exercise to go through all the significant people in your life and work out which door matches which contact?

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4 (Thu)

5 (Fri)

Different types of thinking

Below is an incomplete A–Z of different types of thinking. Do any of them stand out for you?

a. thinking outside of the box: New ways of thinking that break from your own normal, established pathways.
b. analytical thinking: Breaking down complex concepts into smaller, manageable bits of information in order to solve problems in a logical, methodical, step-by-step manner.
c. critical thinking: This takes nothing at face-value. Instead, it questions everything about the matter at hand: its worth, its validity and the fact that there may be an alternative.
d. concrete thinking: The ability to apply factual information for practical use.
e. theoretical thinking: This is the opposite of concrete thinking, dealing in concepts and abstracts and the endless possibilities found in general (rather than specific) ideas.
f. divergent thinking: This collects data from many different directions in order to find solutions and solve problems.
g. convergent thinking: This thinking takes one topic and rolls out all the parts in order to find one solution.
h. linear thinking (or vertical thinking): This style of thinking uses one line of approach – and one line only.
i. non-linear thinking (or lateral thinking): This looks at things from many different perspectives. Rather than applying logic, it looks for alternative steps. A person who uses lateral thinking is likely to be an explorer, someone undertaking a journey where the destination is unknown or uncertain.
j. logical reasoning: This is often used in mathematics and in law as a way of arriving at an air-tight conclusion. You may start with a hunch, a hypothesis or a premise that may or may not be proved correct. This type of reasoning could use a rule or idea to determine an outcome, or could be used to test the validity of a rule or idea.
k. visual thinking: Using images instead of words.
l. rational thinking: Being of sound mind: able to have conscious thoughts and able to reason with things, leading to rational decisions.
m. irrational thinking: Unable to apply logic, reason or common sense to your thoughts. Can occur at times of distress or anxiety, or when a person is disorientated and emotionally upset.
n. ruminating: Going over and over the same thought processes without being able to complete the operation or move on.
o. intrusive thoughts: These thoughts, images or urges are both unwelcome and distressing. They are often of a shocking, inappropriate nature, conjured up at inappropriate times/situations.
p. distorted thinking: These are thoughts that are untrue, serving a short-term purpose. They can be used to put ourselves down or to protect ourselves from harsh realities.
q. perceptive thinking: How we interpret the information we get from our senses.
r. conceptual thinking: The ability to understand something, for example a situation, by identifying themes, patterns, connections and correlations.
s. subjective thinking: These are thoughts that are specific to yourself, and will come from your own beliefs and opinions, your own experiences and your own emotional responses.
t. objective thinking: These thoughts are formed from information, facts and measurements that come from outside our own personal scope.
u. process thinking: This thinking is based on thoughts in the here and now, rather than the past or the future.
v. recall thinking: Bringing something from the past into the mind.
w. positive thinking: Dwelling on positive rather than negative thoughts. This is based on an attitude or a concerted effort to classify thoughts in terms of their impact on a person’s well-being.
x. Negative thinking: Lingering on the negative aspects of ourselves and our lives to the detriment of our well-being.
y. challenging thinking: Having thoughts that challenge or question the validity of other thoughts.
z. thinking about thinking (or metacognition): This type of thinking demonstrates a higher level of awareness, in that it brings into focus insights, reflections and self-regulation.

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6 (Sat)

Mental states

Here is an incomplete list of mind-sets. This includes brain activity that may last for a second, a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month or year upon year.

Knowledge: A state of having information at the forefront of our brain.
Attitude: This includes beliefs and opinions.
Restlessness: A state of alertness that may include a sense of anxiety or boredom.
Distress: A state of psychological suffering that may exist on its own or be part of a wider health issue, be it physical, emotional or otherwise.
Restfulness/mindfulness: A sense of calm and inner peace, coupled with an awareness of being in the present moment.
Sensing: For example, a sense of dread while waiting for blood tests or a sense of wonderment when looking at a sunset.
Fantasy: An ability to imagine or create something within your mind that is impossible or improbable; day-dream; make-believe.
Focus: Intent engagement in something that requires your full concentration.
Perception: How you interpret things that go on within your world; having insight.
Remembering: Bringing stored memories to the fore.
Organising: Planning, preparing, arranging; getting things ready in your mind, so that something may happen.
Stress/tension: Being over-burdened or out of control, or of having unwanted pressure.
Confidence: A recognition and appreciation of one’s own abilities.
Attachment: A sense of being connected to someone or something.
Detachment: A recognition of not being connected to someone or something; a sense of separateness.
Delusion: Having an unreal and non-rational thought process.
Hopefulness: Optimism about the future.
Fearfulness: A sense of impending harm or danger.
Anxiety: Having an elongated concern or worry that cannot be easily shaken.
Love: A sense of goodwill and affection to yourself and/or to others;
Depression: Despondent and subdued, lacking in energy and motivation.
Arousal: An intention to do something; stirring an energy; an excitement.
Satisfaction: This can include a sense of happiness, pleasure, contentment and cheer.
Confusion: Uncertain and unclear as to what is happening; puzzled; fuzzy; brain fog.
Desire: Wanting or wishing something to happen.

Is there anything you can take away from this list?

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7 (Sun)

8 (Mon)

9 (Tue)

10 (Wed)

Multiple intelligences

Human intelligence – an ability to apply knowledge, using memory, experience and judgement.

In 1983, psychologist Howard Gardner put forward an idea that challenged the concept of intelligence as we previously understood it. He argued that the definition is too narrow and limited. He said there are many, many different types and levels of intelligences, and that each person has their own unique configuration of being better at some things than others.

Below are some examples of multiple intelligences that he proposed.

Musical intelligence – an understanding and awareness of different types of sound.
Visual intelligence – possessing spatial awareness, creative visual imagination and expression.
Verbal intelligence – an ability to express yourself with words.
Athletic intelligence – an understanding of your own body’s dexterity, agility and sensations.
Logical intelligence – the ability to reason and make deductions, to spot patterns and solve problems.
Naturalist intelligence – an affinity/understanding of nature.
Intrapersonal intelligence – an understanding of the self.
Interpersonal intelligence – the knowledge of relationships.
Existential intelligence – the ability to ponder the ‘big questions’ in life.
Teaching intelligence – to pass on knowledge/skills to others.

Howard Gardner argued that everyone has all of these intelligences; that they all act together in different ways, which is how we come to be unique as individuals. In theory, this is what allows us to contribute to society using our own strengths.

So presumably this means we can do away with the phrase good-for-nothing, since we are all good at something. As for the notion that you aren’t ‘clever’, clearly that too must be a nonsense, since you will be clever at something (whether you like it or not). As for the idea that you failed at school, perhaps it’s the school that failed you by a) limiting the scope of intelligence that it examined; and b) its inability to tap into your own unique resources!

Using Gardner’s multiple intelligence, it might be interesting for you to contemplate and re-evaluate your own intelligence (as well as the intelligence of others). Of the list above, what would you say are your top three intelligent areas?

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11 (Thu)

Emotionally available

Emotion: a stirred-up, bio-chemical state that occurs in response to an event. Emotions can be measured by blood flow, brain activity and facial expressions.

Emotions can be so mild we hardly notice them, or they may be so intense that we become entirely fixated on them.

Emotions can either be allowed to run their course or they can be suppressed. Suppressing emotions can cause multiple health problems further down the line.

Feeling: a reaction to an emotional experience.
How we respond to what’s happening in our bodies depends on how emotionally aware/intelligent we are and how we interpret our emotional messages.

Our feelings can vary according to whether or not we consider an emotion to be okay or not okay, pleasant or unpleasant. If we remain neutral about an emotion, we are likely to have a different feeling than if we were to make a judgment about it.

As well as emotions triggering feelings, feelings can, in turn, generate emotions. Sometimes, if we are worried about the type of bodily arousals we are having, we can become over-anxious and overwhelmed, stressed and exhausted by the
ongoing sensations swirling around our body, feeding off each other.

Once a feeling has been felt and acknowledged, it can leave the body without any complications. That is why understanding and accepting our feelings and emotions can be so important to our general well-being.

Facial expressions: positions and movements of muscles beneath the skin that help to reveal what a person is feeling.

Bodily sensations: feelings or sensory experiences that affect parts of the body, such as heat, prickles, pain or butterflies in the stomach.

Mood: whatever combined emotional and mental state we have at any given time, be it for minutes, hours or days. Moods are not caused by any one event or episode, but rather a result of any number of factors, such as our environment, people, our physiology, health and diet, as well as our genetics and temperament.

Do these definitions make sense to you, or would it be worth making a note of your own interpretation of these terms?

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12 (Fri)

13 (Sat)

14 (Sun)

Racket vs. authentic feelings

In a nut-shell, we grow up in families or in an environment where certain emotions and behaviours are forbidden or frowned upon. For example, if you are seen moping around as a teenager, you may be told, “Pull yourself together” or “Snap out of it!” If you’re making a lot of noise, you may be told to quieten down. Conversely, we might be encouraged to artificially produce emotions that are more acceptable, such as happiness or tenderness, etc.

Some emotions in certain cultures are okay for one gender but not okay for the other. Women will not be able to show their anger, say, while men will not be allowed to cry. This might also apply along the lines of ethnicity, religion or sexuality.

Moreover, some emotions that are deemed acceptable might end up being our default setting, even though they don’t match how we’re experiencing the world at that moment in time. To have these emotions would be like driving on autopilot, or being driven by someone else, or like going through the motions when you haven’t even switched on the ignition.

The problem with growing up in these situations is that we end up with corrupted emotions. Rather than having natural emotions that can guide us, we get emotions that have been coerced, manipulated or contrived; emotions that are substitutes for other emotions; emotions that are hidden from our consciousness.

The consequences of having racket emotions is only revealed at a later time, in a later situation, when the real, stored-up emotions that never got a chance to be played out in earlier days, weeks, months or years come to the fore. Here it is likely you will have little control over the force of the emotion as it will just come out whether you like it or not – often as an explosion, often in the presence of the people you love.

Yet there is a way forward that’s less dysfunctional for all concerned. It involves:
(i) learning to allow authentic emotions to come to the fore at the very moment they occur
(ii) taking the time to recognise what your racket emotions are
(iii) finding ways to unlock your suppressed emotions within a safe environment.

Below are some questions on this subject that could be useful to you.
Are there any emotions that you find hard to access?
When do you experience false emotions? What emotions are they replacing?
When and where do your suppressed emotions tend to come out?

[This is a concept from the transactional analysis branch of psychology/counselling.]

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15 (Mon)

16 (Tue)

Hormones

The endocrine system is a framework of organs and glands that use chemicals known as hormones (as well as neurotransmitters) to move messages around the body. This helps to keep it regulated and under control, as well as aiding growth and development among other functions. Hormones keep us healthy. And, in turn, we need to keep them healthy, too.

Here is a short list of hormones, spelling out what they do with suggestions of how we might help them do their job more effectively.

Serotonin: its function is mood regulation, blood clotting, sleep, bowel activity and bone health. A lack of serotonin can result in aggression, impulsivity, irritability, low self-esteem, memory issues and insomnia.

There are several activities we can do ourselves to stimulate the production of serotonin. These include increasing levels of amino acids in the diet, light exposure, exercise, meditation and massage.

Dopamine: its function is around motivation, movement, attention, sleep, memory, behaviour, cognition, lowering insulin and sodium levels, and contracting and relaxing blood vessels. The right amount of dopamine may cause feelings of happiness, motivation and focus, with the opposite being true for a lack of dopamine.

We can naturally boost dopamine through exercise, eating foods high in tyrosine (almonds, bananas, avocados, eggs, fish and chicken), meditation and sleep.

Acetylcholine: its function and purpose is around movement, alertness, cognition, intelligence and memory. A lack of acetylcholine is an effect of Alzheimer’s disease, Myasthenia Gravis and Parkinson’s disease.

We can aid the production of acetylcholine by introducing more choline into our diets: animal products, wholegrains, nuts, seeds, broccoli, apples and cabbage.

Oxytocin: its function is around relationships, including bonding, sexual arousal and social skills, and is important for various relationship types and interactions. Oxytocin works at its highest level at childbirth, resulting in contractions and later promoting lactation. A lack of oxytocin is associated with mental illnesses such as anxiety and depression, as well as possibly resulting in less sexual arousal, poor social skills and a higher level of aggression. Oxytocin is a hormone that can have large surges and can have long-lasting effects around our self-love and the amount of joy and love we exhibit towards others.

To boost levels of oxytocin, we can listen to or make music, do yoga, have an open conversation and spend time with loved ones, meditate, hug someone and interact with a pet.

Oestrogen: its function is around puberty stimulation, uterine lining, cholesterol and bone strength. There are low levels of oestrogen during menopause and during periods, and generally low levels of oestrogen can cause depression, irregular or absent periods, headaches, fatigue and difficulty concentrating. High oestrogen can cause irregular periods, anxiety, memory problems and mood swings.
Eating foods such as soybeans, tofu, miso, flax seeds and sesame seeds can increase production of oestrogen. To lower oestrogen we can reduce or avoid caffeine, reduce stress and increase fiber intake.

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17 (Wed)

18 (Thu)

Shame

Shame: (i) a distressing emotion caused by a regrettable or unfortunate action/event/situation; (ii) being made to feel a deep humiliation (iii) making someone feel ashamed; (iv) falling short of an ideal or value or belief.

Words and terms associated with shame: humiliation, blame, embarrassment, ashamed, failure, disappointment, sin, remorse, regret, degradation, disgust, contempt, inadequacy, discomfort, awkwardness.

This debilitating condition can affect anyone at any stage in life, yet people who have been traumatised and/or abused are particularly prone to feeling an overwhelming sense of shame.

As we are not born with shame, it might be safe to say that these afflictions have their origins in our interactions with other people in the outside world. The negative messages we get from these people and from our society as a whole can either blow away or chip away at our confidence, our self-esteem, until we start to absorb, integrate and embody the messages as though they were our own.

Some people see shame like a parasite or a virus that has managed to infect them. Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung called shame “a soul-eating emotion”. Other people have recognised that shame is highly contagious and once it’s out in the open it can cause other people’s long-buried shame to come to the fore, which is perhaps another reason why shame is so hard to talk about.

Below are some examples of how shame can manifest itself. These may be useful to get you thinking about your own relationship with yourself and with shame.
• a belief that you were in some way to blame for what happened and therefore you should be punished or punish yourself
• a belief that you deserved what happened to you because you are a terrible person
• a belief that you do not deserve to get your needs met
• a belief that you must put other people’s needs before your own
• a belief that because you have suffered trauma or abuse, you’re in some way less of a person than someone else
• a fear that you could be exposed for what you really are

The good news is that many people have found ways to overcome shame, through therapeutic means and through self-forgiveness.

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19 (Fri)

20 (Sat)

21 (Sun)

Action cycle

We start off with a sensation.
We become aware of it,
We become aroused by it and feel the need to mobilise ourselves in some way.
We take whatever action we can.
We have now made full contact (we have responded to the sensation).
We now experienced the satisfaction of having completed the cycle.
All that remains is for us to withdraw from this particular cycle so that we’re ready for the next sensation to come along.

This is a model of a healthy action cycle, one where we are responding to our needs and getting what we need. But, alas, we are not always in tune with ourselves, and sometimes there can be a disturbance to the cycle.

An unhealthy action cycle is demonstrated below, where we might end up blocking or interrupting our needs for any number of reasons.

We shut off our sensation as a defence. Rather than becoming aware of the sensation, we deflect it away from ourselves.

We do not mobilise ourselves. Instead we go into an automated response, one that we ‘should do’ because it is the ‘right thing to do’ rather than the thing we actually want to do.

Rather than take action, we worry about what other people might think of us acting in this way.

We sabotage our action out of fear that we’ll get it wrong or that we’ll fail or we go with someone else’s need instead of our own need.

We pretend that this merging of needs is okay, as it stops us making full contact and completing the cycle.
Satisfaction at completing a cycle can be blocked by feelings of guilt and shame Finally, what if we’re unable to withdraw from the cycle when we want to, either because we don’t know how or someone else won’t let us?

Examples of healthy and unhealthy action cycles could be as straightforward as getting out of bed or not getting out of bed, going to the toilet or not going to the toilet, to more advanced situations such as whether to ask someone out for a date, which action to take if your friends want to do different things to you, or what to do if someone starts to intimidate you.

How might you assess your own action cycles?

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22 (Mon)

Bad faith

Picture a waiter. They appear to engage well with you. They have a big smile on their face. They ask you questions and are attentive to your answers and your general needs. Yet there’s something not quite right about their presence. Maybe they’re a little too obsequious, a little too full-on with you. Then it dawns on you that they’re not being real. They don’t care about you at all. Instead, they’re putting on an act. But it isn’t personal – they just hate their job and faking it is the only way they can get through the day. They know that there’s so much more to them than being a waiter. At this very moment in time, they could do anything. They could sing a lovely song. They could walk away and never come back. They could start a new job somewhere else. But they don’t because they’re fearful of change, fearful of what might happen if they leave. And the fact that they have so much freedom to make choices terrifies them into inertia, into doing nothing at all. And they know this. And they resent this. And this is called bad faith (otherwise known as self-deception).

Existential philosophers Simone de Beauvoir and Jean Paul Sartre came up with this notion. Each of us is free to make a million and one choices, yet we don’t. Instead, we kid ourselves that we don’t have a choice, that we need to stay in a job (to pay the rent) or we need to stay in a relationship (for the sake of the children). Yet at some level we all know that this is bullshit. We stay, stuck in a rut, because we’re scared of the vast freedom and choices we have; and this is how many, many people can exist in a long-term state of distress and paralysis.

Sartre went as far as to say that “Human reality is what is not”, owing to the large numbers of people not wanting to be what they are. He also acknowledged the paradox of people having the freedom to choose not to have freedom.

Have you trapped yourself in a role that you, ultimately, do not want to play? If so, can you describe what this is/was like?

Can you make a list of all the things you could be doing now instead of the thing that you are doing?

How liberated would you say you are?

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23 (Tue)

Defence mechanisms

Protecting our ‘self’ from perceived threats by using all sorts of ingenious psychological methods is something that we all do at different moments in our life. Often, we do not know we are using defence mechanisms at the time – which just goes to show how devious and how instinctive these functions of our brain can be.

Please view the examples below with a neutral, self-detective eye, rather than a harsh, judgmental one.

Forgetting (repression): If an event or a time in your life is painful, one of the easiest ways to deal with it is to forget that it ever happened.

It didn’t happen (denial): If ‘it’ (whatever it may be) didn’t happen, then there’s no need to be distressed about it.

It wasn’t me – it was you (projection): Here is a great opportunity to blame another for what happened, to put all the dislike about yourself onto someone else.

I can’t express how I feel to the person I want to, so I’ll take it out on someone else instead (displacement): This is about dumping or off-loading on people who have nothing to do with the cause of your upset/pain/anger, etc.

Making unacceptable behaviour acceptable (sublimation): If I can channel my dark side into something that’s deemed acceptable by my partner/friends/family/community/society, then I can maintain my status as well as my relationships (as opposed to ending up in prison or being isolated/alienated).

Mimicking aspects of others (introjection): In times of distress or threat, it might be the best option to behave like someone else, e.g., if I shape my hair to look like Ingrid Bergman, I’ll have all the confidence and sassiness that she has.

Removing the emotion from a memory (isolation): This allows you think about an otherwise painful or upsetting episode without feeling it, just as though you were merely reporting the events.

Going back in time (regression): If the pressure to be a certain age is too much for you, going back to a younger age might help reduce the stress.

Day-dreaming (fantasising): Having fantasies, especially about the things that ‘could have been’ in your life, are a way of dealing with disappointments or of ending things that didn’t have an ending. This is a great way to re-write your history.

Going into your head rather than your heart (intellectualising): If you’re emotionally hurting, you might want to think away what is causing the pain by giving yourself a rational explanation for it: “It’s just heartburn. It will soon go away.”

Do any of these jump out at you in particular?

[Developed by Sigmund Freud and Anna Freud]

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24 (Wed)

A brief journey through the brain

We all have incredible brains. They continue to function 24 hours a day, 7 days a week whether we’re awake or asleep, conscious or unconscious.

The brain can be explored in a variety of different ways using many different terms, such as hemispheres, lobes, layers and matter. Here we will be dividing it into three sections.

The lower brain (sometimes known as the reptile brain) is the one that we are born with. It regulates our breathing, our sleeping, our waking. It regulates us automatically, without us having to be conscious of it. Everything about it concerns self-preservation.

The middle brain (or the mammal brain, the limbic system) develops in our early years and continues to evolve throughout our life depending on the experiences we have. This area deals with emotion, memory and hormones, among other things.

The upper brain (the rational brain, the human brain, the neocortex) is designed for advanced functions such as speech, reasoning, problem-solving, self-control and interpreting.

When it comes to threats and perceived threats to the body, the functions of the lower and middle brain instinctively come to the fore, while the upper brain function diminishes. This might be an important piece of knowledge for our general well-being: Neither ourselves or anyone around us will always have access to the part of the brain that is rational.

Moreover, as the brain takes around 25 years to fully develop, anyone under that age will have a different way of experiencing the world, different strengths and abilities based on what parts of the brain have already been constructed, which parts are under construction and which parts are only in the planning stage. Add to this the notion that everyone has had different life experiences – which will also shape the way their brain functions – and hopefully we might give up on any expectations that there is such a thing as normal or normality.

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25 (Thu)

26 (Fri)

27 (Sat)

The five Fs

Just like the brain, there are many aspects to our nervous system. However, the two parts that come into play when the alarm system is ringing are both responsible for the body’s unconscious, automatic actions.

If the flood of stress hormone reaches the sympathetic nervous system, our body is primed to fight the danger or flee from it. This is where certain bodily functions will be restricted, whereas others will become super-charged such as heart rate and breathing, greater vision, muscles tensing, twitching and trembling – all designed to give you every chance of surviving.

Alternatively, if our parasympathetic nervous system is activated, the opposite happens: the message is to reduce our heart and metabolic rate so we can freeze. We may also get an injection of pain-killing hormones, or we may zone out so as not to remember what happened.

If the freeze mechanism isn’t working and the level of threat and danger increases, the nervous system will switch off most of the functions of the body and change the status of the muscles from tense to floppy and yielding. This is the body’s last chance of survival.

Where trauma is concerned, ‘friend’ is about forming a bond with other people in order to survive. This is something we do automatically from birth in the way we cry to get the care we need. Similarly, as we grow up, befriending and forming attachments to people helps to protect us. If we experience fear, we might attempt to communicate with those we fear. We might attempt to appeal to their better nature; we might try to negotiate with them, charm them or calm them down. We might even buy into what they are doing – as in the case of Stockholm Syndrome.

[See the writings of psychotherapist Zoe Lodrick for more information on this subject.]

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28 (Sun)

29 (Mon)

The memory editing suite

Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) has been described as understanding and communicating in the language of the mind, with a view to allowing people to change their thoughts, perceptions, actions and memories.

We will now share one relatively straightforward NLP technique that’s designed to dissolve unpleasant and unwanted memories. (Ideally this exercise will be facilitated by another person.)

Just because a memory exists in your mind doesn’t mean it’s fixed and unchangeable. There’s nothing to stop you from altering certain aspects of what happened in order to dilute and dissolve the impact. It might help at this point to imagine yourself as being like an editor of a film, where you’re in control of all the sounds, the visuals, the special effects and so much more. You are in control of the final version of whatever you produce.

The initial task in this exercise is to break down and deconstruct the nature of the memory in order to find out what parts of it are the most upsetting.

Is it the visual nature of the event? Is it the sounds that were happening at the time?
Is it a taste in your mouth or a certain smell in your nose? Is distance a factor? How close you were to another person? Or speed? Or temperature? Are there certain colours within the memory that haunt you?

When you have managed to identify the most harrowing aspects of your memory, you can either leave it at that (for the time being), or you can explain to yourself or someone else what it was about that part of the memory that upset you the most. Any more detail that you can provide can then be further explored.

Now is the time to change this part of the memory to something that will not be upsetting, and this is where you get to decide how to alter or modify it.

For example, if you witnessed an accident and you could not get the image of a red coat out of your head, you could make the scene of the accident sepia or monochrome, or make the colours paler or washed out. If it was the sound of a car crashing, you could replace this noise with some music or a different sound that is in no way distressing, such as a heavy shower of rain. Or you could make the sounds go quieter or mute. If you were too close to the event, you could zoom back so that the event now takes place from a distance.

This approach can help to keep the memory from returning and upsetting you, but if it does return, you can always repeat the exercise and maybe revisit different features of the memory that you wish to further change.

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