Relationships
Part 10 - Ways to reach out to others at a deeper level

Many people across the world seek counselling to help them with their problems.

What is it that these counsellors and psychotherapists possess that enables them to help other people?

Some say that counselling is ultimately about the relationship that is formed between the ‘client’ and the ‘counsellor’.

Some say that counsellors are good at tapping into the resources that each client already has, in order to overcome their own difficulties.

Others say that it’s as much about what isn’t in the room as what is: i.e. you know when you go into therapy that you aren’t going to be judged; your story isn’t going to be shared or gossiped about; you aren’t going to get the comment ‘I can’t deal with this right now’; the therapist isn’t going to make you feel guilty or shame you; and you aren’t going to be harmed or feel rejected (unless of course you end up with a rubbish counsellor).

Many counsellors use Carl Rogers’s core conditions as a base from which to work. These core conditions are quite easy to grasp intellectually, yet they can take a lifetime to craft and develop.

That said, our question to you is this:

If you were given the attributes to improve your relations with other people, would you be interested in knowing more? If you were able to achieve more depth and meaning within your relationships – if it made you a better friend, lover, brother, sister, father, mother, grandparent, colleague and general all-round citizen – would you be up for it?

If so, read on.

Congruence is about being yourself rather than attempting to be anything else. It may seem blunt to say this, but many people are used to putting on an act or stepping into a role when they engage with other people – especially at work.

Think here of a politician making a speech on TV, then imagine what they are like in the morning at the breakfast table. Do you think any of the politician’s family members would tolerate having to put up with the politician’s TV persona while they are eating?

It may be more interesting to ask yourself if you are the same person when studying/working as you are with your parents, as you are with your friends, as you are with the postal worker, as you are with your partner, as you are walking the dog?

Most people seem to be a mixture of honesty and falseness, sincerity and insincerity. They withhold some thoughts, emotions and actions, whereas they deem other aspects of themselves to be okay to let out

Other words for congruence are: genuine, authentic, real. Or how about these phrases: ‘I am true to myself,’ and ‘I am an open book.’

Part of being congruent when you come to help other people is knowing that you do actually want to help them. If you do not want to help them or truly listen to what they have to say, then your insincerity will be exposed at some level and you will have lost the connection with the other person.

Of course, if you are being real and open and transparent, then you have nothing to hide, and if you have nothing to hide, you are fit to start helping other people. If, however, you have something to hide, this will get in the way of you being congruent with other people. This is why counsellors are expected to have developed a high level of self-awareness and self-development before they seek to help others.

Empathy is the desire/ability to understand what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes. To do this, you don’t imagine or believe you are correct in your assumptions about them; you do this by checking with them and letting them decide whether or not you are being empathic. In essence, you demonstrate your willingness to get to the heart of the person’s very being by enquiring how they perceive themselves and the world around them. You are attuned, moment by moment, to their ever-changing internal landscape.

For example, after a person has spoken, you may wish to show them that you have heard them by saying something like:

“Did I hear you right? Did you mean…?”
“Can I just check in with you? Is this about…?”
Or, “This sounds to me like something you said earlier about… Is there a link there?”

If you have not accurately reflected what they’re saying, then they have the option of explaining again what they mean.

Sometimes, when the other person is talking, it’s enough for you to look at them and nod your head and show that you are listening and understanding them. Sometimes it’s enough to repeat back to them what they have just said.

Other times you may need to demonstrate your understanding of their non-verbal communications, such as how you are receiving their body language or the tone of their voice. Other times, when someone has advanced empathy, they will be picking up all sorts of unspoken aspects of the other person and sharing this information with them.

It’s important to remember that everything you do under the banner of empathy is for the benefit of the other person rather than yourself (although there’s nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself for being a good listener!).

By keeping the focus on the other person, they get a chance to listen to what they themselves are saying. In this way, they get to understand themselves and their problems all the better.

So just to recap, empathy is not just about listening to what another person is saying verbally. It’s what they are saying as a whole: the tone of their voice, the volume, the meaning within the silences, what their body is saying, what is happening to them emotionally, and the conflicts that become apparent when you become absorbed in their plight.

For example:
“I have a sense that you are on the verge of tears, yet you cannot let them out.”
“I get a feeling that you have some real pain hiding behind your anger.”
You will never truly know what it’s like inside the private world of another person, but it can nevertheless have a tremendous impact on someone when their story is truly heard and acknowledged.
As you might have guessed, to be empathic you have to be prepared to take risks and make mistakes.
[N.B. Empathy is not to be confused with sympathy, as being sympathetic keeps you rooted in your own shoes.]

To quote Carl Rogers:

This is about valuing the person you are with for who they are, not for who they might be, or who they were, or because they have done this or that. This is about caring for someone in the present moment in time without any conditions attached.

UPR is important, as all human beings need to be recognised and prized and feel trust, respect, warmth and love in some way. Could you be the one to give another person what they need?

The word unconditional is particularly important here. This is about letting a person speak freely without you trying to decide what is important and what is not, or box what they are saying into good and bad, right and wrong, or leading them down paths that you want to go, rather than following their lead.

Some people may be in a state of distress because they have low self-worth through shame or guilt or blame. If you were to avoid or dismiss this stuff as ‘negative’, and try to concentrate on ‘positive’ stuff, you are doing no one any favours.

Attempts to rescue someone from their own self-loathing are going to fail, and will only help you because you are uncomfortable watching someone in distress. Being unconditional means allowing someone to show all of their self, unreservedly and unashamedly, without seeking to change them.

N.B. Counsellors sometimes work with people who may have done terrible acts to other people – acts that in themselves may disgust and outrage the counsellor. However, the whole point of being unconditional is to be able to differentiate between a person and their actions. It’s useful to remember that counselling is set up to be a force for good, and if it can decrease harm in our communities by helping to rehabilitate abusers and power-mongers, then all good and well.

That said, it’s fair enough if you cannot connect with someone because of what they have done. At least you are demonstrating self-awareness, honesty and congruence.

Unless all three core conditions are present, it won’t have anything like the same potent impact. You need congruence to have empathy and UPR. Anything less will be experienced as akin to a weakened, watered-down medicine.

Not everyone can possess these attributes, whether for biological, emotional or psychological reasons. Some people are simply not pre-disposed to function in this way.

Nobody would realistically expect you to have the core conditions on tap or have warm feelings about someone all the time (especially when they are being annoying or hurtful).

That said, if you incorporate the core conditions into your life, new doors may start to open for you and your relationships with others.

For some people, using the core conditions is a way of life, just like any other philosophy, religion or belief system. It’s known as being ‘person-centred.’

If you are interested in developing your own core conditions, it may help you to answer the following question:

Q: Looking at each of the three core conditions in turn, how would you rate yourself? What might you need to do in order to become more congruent, empathic and valuing of your fellow humans?

While you may or may not be able to develop Carl Rogers’s core conditions, there are some skills that you can learn and that may be useful in all aspects of relating to other people at a higher level – anytime, anyplace, anywhere.

The list below is incomplete and is in no particular order.

• Face the person who is speaking.
• Leaning forward or towards a person can make them feel you are truly listening to them.
• Establish eye contact with people.
• Seek to establish a rapport.
• Build trust.
• Nod your head or do something to show you are listening.
• Mirror their posture.
• Match their energy levels.
• If they’re visibly upset, ask them if they wish to take a break. Offer them a tissue or a glass of water, or (if appropriate) offer them your hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on – or even a hug.
• Do not be afraid to cry if your own tears well up.
• Focus on what people are saying; consign your own unrelated thoughts to the back of your brain.
• Remember what was said earlier and link themes of their conversation together.
• Do not try to provide solutions to problems or try to rescue a person from their discomfort. If they want suggestions, they will no doubt ask for them.
• Sometimes it may help to summarise or paraphrase what someone has said – to demonstrate that you have listened – rather than leave an uncomfortable silence. That said, sometimes silence can be a really useful and powerful way of demonstrating your attentiveness.
• Make observations about how you are experiencing the other person.
• Share your own immediate feelings and thoughts with them, if it seems appropriate to do so.
• Clarify that you have heard something correctly.
• Reflect on what has transpired or what is happening in the present moment.
• Ask questions.
• Share some of yourself with them.
• Be non-judgemental: park your opinions elsewhere.
• It’s okay to make gentle, tentative challenges to someone in order to help them see a situation from a different perspective.