Relationships
Part 10 - Ways to reach out to others at a deeper level

Many people across the world seek counselling to help them with their problems.

What is it that these counsellors and psychotherapists possess that enables them to help other people?

Some say that counselling is ultimately about the relationship that is formed between the ‘client’ and the ‘counsellor’.

Some say that counsellors are good at tapping into the resources that each client already has, in order to overcome their own difficulties.

Others say that it’s as much about what isn’t in the room as what is: i.e. you know when you go into therapy that you aren’t going to be judged; your story isn’t going to be shared or gossiped about; you aren’t going to get the comment ‘I can’t deal with this right now’; the therapist isn’t going to make you feel guilty or shame you; and you aren’t going to be harmed or feel rejected (unless of course you end up with a rubbish counsellor).

Many counsellors use Carl Rogers’s core conditions as a base from which to work. These core conditions are quite easy to grasp intellectually, yet they can take a lifetime to craft and develop.

That said, our question to you is this:

If you were given the attributes to improve your relations with other people, would you be interested in knowing more? If you were able to achieve more depth and meaning within your relationships – if it made you a better friend, lover, brother, sister, father, mother, grandparent, colleague and general all-round citizen – would you be up for it?

If so, read on.

Congruence is about being yourself rather than attempting to be anything else. It may seem blunt to say this, but many people are used to putting on an act or stepping into a role when they engage with other people – especially at work.

Think here of a politician making a speech on TV, then imagine what they are like in the morning at the breakfast table. Do you think any of the politician’s family members would tolerate having to put up with the politician’s TV persona while they are eating?

It may be more interesting to ask yourself if you are the same person when studying/working as you are with your parents, as you are with your friends, as you are with the postal worker, as you are with your partner, as you are walking the dog?

Most people seem to be a mixture of honesty and falseness, sincerity and insincerity. They withhold some thoughts, emotions and actions, whereas they deem other aspects of themselves to be okay to let out

Other words for congruence are: genuine, authentic, real. Or how about these phrases: ‘I am true to myself,’ and ‘I am an open book.’

Part of being congruent when you come to help other people is knowing that you do actually want to help them. If you do not want to help them or truly listen to what they have to say, then your insincerity will be exposed at some level and you will have lost the connection with the other person.

Of course, if you are being real and open and transparent, then you have nothing to hide, and if you have nothing to hide, you are fit to start helping other people. If, however, you have something to hide, this will get in the way of you being congruent with other people. This is why counsellors are expected to have developed a high level of self-awareness and self-development before they seek to help others.

Empathy is the desire/ability to understand what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes. To do this, you don’t imagine or believe you are correct in your assumptions about them; you do this by checking with them and letting them decide whether or not you are being empathic. In essence, you demonstrate your willingness to get to the heart of the person’s very being by enquiring how they perceive themselves and the world around them. You are attuned, moment by moment, to their ever-changing internal landscape.

For example, after a person has spoken, you may wish to show them that you have heard them by saying something like:

“Did I hear you right? Did you mean…?”
“Can I just check in with you? Is this about…?”
Or, “This sounds to me like something you said earlier about… Is there a link there?”

If you have not accurately reflected what they’re saying, then they have the option of explaining again what they mean.