Unmet Need

Process of Change
Part 1 - Unmet Need

One of the biggest causes of frustration and distress within us is the needs we have that go unattended.

For example:
Needing to say something important but not being able to get the words out.
Needing to get the things you want in life but not being able to make a start.
Needing love but not being able to reach out and receive that love.
Needing to do things but never having the time to do them.

Our needs could be anything and everything. They could be physical, emotional, mental, intellectual, structural, sensory, biological, environmental, social, sexual. Or they could be about stimulation, excitement, creativity, stability, etc.

We now invite you to take the time to make a list of your own needs that are not being met.

My list of unmet needs:

The foreground and the background

What do you see? Two faces? Or a vase? You cannot focus on both of them at the same time, so whichever one you are looking at (at any moment in time) could be considered the foreground, while the other is in the background.

Bringing things to the fore

In your life, how do you decide (or prioritise) what comes to the fore and what remains in the background? Is it whatever is most relevant to you at any given moment? Or is it the most purposeful thing? Or is it the most dominating feature in your life?

Needing – Choosing – Acting

Following on from unmet needs and the notion of a foreground and a background, can we make a link between becoming aware of our needs, to then choosing to bring them to the fore, to then acting upon them?

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Viktor Frankl

Even when people have limited choices – because they are financially constrained, or they are oppressed, or they have had their liberty taken away – they can still decide how to respond to their situation.

Responsibility

It’s your choice how you frame yourself within the world. For example, are you a passive victim or are you actively seeking control?

Of all the things you resent having to do, are you aware of the consequences of not doing them?

For example:

If you begrudge having to do the washing up, are you also accepting that without this action there would be no clean plates or cutlery with which to eat?

If you do not help plan the holiday, are you prepared to accept that it will be different to how you would have planned it?

If you vote only every five years, can you say that you are engaged in the decision-making process of your society? Do you have a right to complain when things do not go your way?

Unfinished business

Anything that is unresolved, incomplete or unfinished in our lives is likely to plague us and affect our well-being. Yet there are ways of completing the circle and getting on with our lives.

One way that benefits many people is to write a letter. The letter is not written with the intention of sending it. It’s written in order to resolve the unresolved, to complete that which is incomplete and to finish that which is unfinished.

You can write a letter to a living person, or to someone who has died. You can write a letter to yourself or a part of yourself. The possibilities are endless.

(NB. All of the above concepts come from Gestalt therapy)

The whole (of the story)

If you only focus on what is happening in a small part of your life, or in a small part of a situation, you will miss the bigger picture. One way of expressing this is to say ‘you can’t see the wood for the trees’. Another way of exploring this is to imagine that you are in control of your own film camera.

A film camera has the flexibility to see things in close-up or in wide angle. It can pan to the left and to the right. It can zoom in and zoom out. It can cut from one scene to another and move seamlessly from one location to another. It can slow down the picture or speed it up. It can focus on the foreground in one shot and the background in the next shot.

Where would you say you tend to position your camera as you go about your daily life?
What type of shot do you usually film on your camera?
How quickly does your camera react?
Do you get to think before you roll your camera?

Is your camera always from your own point of view, or can it see things from other perspectives?
Do you get to change the position of your camera?
How do you choose what is in the foreground and what is in the background?

Kurt Lewin, an early 20th century psychologist, was also interested in these ideas. He used a mixture of words and diagrams to help explain process and change. He was particularly interested in the action between a person and the environment that they exist in. He believed that a person’s behaviour was closely linked to their surroundings.

Force fields and life spaces

According to Lewin, the whole of your life and everything in it exists as a field. Within this field there are many different spaces. Below is an example of a person’s field and the life spaces within it – filled with a person’s values and beliefs, needs and wants, as well as all their experiences, encounters with other people, and everything else in between.

Lewin believed that within each field there are forces at play that affect the person (“P”) and their goal (“G”). The idea is that in order to get to our goal(s), we have to navigate the spaces and the forces within them.

Lewin split these forces into two opposing factions: forces of change and forces resisting change. Your own circumstances will determine (a) whether you welcome the forces of change or you side with the forces of resistance and (b) which aspects of each force you have control over and which aspects you have little control over.

Case study: Polly fears the worst

One day Polly found out that her boss of fourteen years was leaving. She was devastated, as she got on really well with her boss and couldn’t stand the idea of change. She resisted having to accept the change, hoping that the boss would change his mind. When it became apparent that the boss was definitely moving on, Polly became somewhat depressed and anxious. She worried that her new boss would be awful and she would have to change jobs or leave the company.

When the new boss came along, Polly found it hard to like her or even talk to her. Yet over a six-month period, she eventually calmed down and realised that the new boss was not bad, and in fact certain things about her were really good.

Case study: Stewart’s stark choice

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