Conditions of worth

Conditions of worth is the term used to describe how we try to be worthy of the love and positive regard of others by attempting to meet their requirements. These are a bit like clauses in a contract. They usually run along the lines of:

“If you behave yourself [like I want you to],
I will give you my love. However, if you don’t
behave yourself, I will shout at you or send you
to your room (and you don’t want that to happen,
do you, because then you cry and get upset).”

Once conditions of worth get into our system, the self has the potential for rifts, splits and conflicts with itself: with one side of us wanting to act on the impulses from our true, authentic self, and the other side at the mercy of our self-concept and all its introjected values – and whether or not it approves of or allows these impulses.

Do you have conditions of worth attached to any of your relationships? If you do, it may be time to revaluate and renegotiate them, for the sake of your well-being.