Wellness Calendar: Wednesday 17 December

The seventeenth revolution

[Hierarchy of need; Harlow’s monkey; love; attachments; substitutes of love]

It’s widely accepted that humans are sociable creatures: we develop relationships because that’s what we are programmed to do. In psychological terms, to have an attachment to someone means having a long-lasting emotional bond with them. Other words linked with attachment are: affection, bond, closeness, devotion, loyalty, love, intimacy, warmth, tenderness, care, concern, kindness, connectivity.

Abraham Maslow had an idea that humans are all universally motivated by certain needs. Once we have obtained our basic needs, we can progress to other needs and fulfilments. Yet if we do not achieve these needs, we would suffer emotionally and psychologically. Within a hierarchy he placed food, water, shelter and sleep as the starting blocks, followed by safety, security and health, with love on the next rung up.

However, in 1958 Harry Harlow undertook experiments on baby monkeys, who were taken away from their mothers at a very early age. He replaced the mothers with mock-ups made of wire and wood. He gave each baby monkey a choice between a surrogate mother dressed in a cloth and a bare wire-framed mother with a bottle of milk. The baby monkeys chose the warmth and intimacy of the clothed surrogate mother over and above the milk. This revelation directly challenged the hierarchy of needs model, as it placed a greater value on the need for love rather than the need for food.

So, if love is one of the most important aspects of a primate’s life, what happens when we don’t get it, or we don’t get enough of it? Thanks to the work of so many researchers, we know that people who struggle to form bonds will suffer greatly.

In 1935, psychoanalyst René Spitz undertook research into child development in institutions such as orphanages, prisons and hospitals. He found that infants who were deprived of touch, love, and intimacy went into rapid decline. He called this emotional deprivation.

Meanwhile, psychiatrist Eric Berne saw similar things going on with adults who endure a lack of physical intimacy. He saw this as a sensory and stimulus hunger that could bring about degenerative changes to the body and the mind.

Berne called this need for physical intimacy strokes. In its most basic form, a stroke could be a mere acknowledgement of our presence – that we exist in this world – or it could mean a literal stroking of the head or the hand. Berne saw the exchange of strokes as a transaction, the notion being that any type of interaction is better than no interaction at all.

To back up his claim, Berne cited the discovery Seymour Levine had made in 1957 that baby rats who received more licks from their mothers would grow up to be healthier and more relaxed than rats who received fewer licks/strokes.

Psychoanalysts John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth developed a series of experiments called Strange Situation that took place in the 1970s, wherein a child and their parent (or care-giver) entered a room containing toys. A stranger then walked into the room and attempted to engage with the child while the parent left the room, before returning after a short spell. In recording the responses of the many children who participated in the experiment, 3–4 different types of attachments were noted:

1. A child with secure attachments happily played with the toys in the room with the parent present, and was also happy to engage with the stranger. However, when the parent left, the child would be upset until re-united. When they were calmed, they would continue their play.

2. Insecure attachments were discovered when a child ignored the parent when they were together in the room, and was seemingly unconcerned when the parent left. The child then ignored them again when they returned. It didn’t matter if there was someone in the room or if the room was empty: there were no signs of any emotional response from the child. This suggested that no firm bonds had developed in their life to date. Measuring the heart rate of these children led the researchers to find that while they gave the appearance of being unconcerned by what was happening, the children were in fact anxious and in distress.

3. Ambivalent attachment was found when a child was clearly distressed when their parent left the room, avoided the stranger and did not play with the toys. When the departed parent returned, the child was conflicted: they wanted to reach out to their parent but at the same time they were angry with them.

4. A fourth classification was later added, known as disorganised attachment. This came from children who for brief moments appeared tense, fearful, jerky, frozen, disjointed and at odds with themselves, like they didn’t know what to do next. This was seen as an indication of neglect, abuse or trauma.

If people need love but aren’t getting it, they’ll still need to get something as a substitute. This is where dysfunctions can occur, as people struggle to get their needs met and end up hurting themselves and, in turn, hurting other people. This is where people turn to violence, rape, murder, controlling behaviour and the subjugation of others, to the pursuit of power and money, to psychological game-playing, to devotion to work, to religion, to food, to addictions to alcohol and drugs, gambling, pornography, mobile phones, internet, social media, etc., etc.

Knowing how important connectivity is to our well-being, can we make love a vital part of our revolution? The pursuit of love, the development and the maintenance of love? The repairing of any ruptures of love? The mediation of love? Can we strive to understand ourselves and understand others for the sake of our relationships?

“Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable.” Brené Brown

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