Two very different types of relationship

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Relationships
Part 3 - Two very different types of relationship

Some relationships we have are full of love, warmth and respect, while others may feel insubstantial. Some relationships last for years, others for a brief moment. Some people feel more alone in a crowd than when they are on their own. Some people linger long in our memories, while others are instantly forgotten.

In an attempt to make sense of our relationships, the 18th century philosopher Martin Buber split our experiences with others into two camps. He called them “I-It” & “I-Thou.”

I-It

In an I-It relationship there is a distance between two people: they are separate from one another. In an I-It relationship there is little engagement between the two parties, and little investment of energy in each other. Neither side wishes to reveal much of themselves, so there is little to bond them together.

An I-It relationship can be merely a functional, transactional meeting, based on money, a need or a duty. An I-it relationship can come about when one or both parties see the other as nothing more than an object.

An I-It relationship has no channels in which the parties can come together; they are either blocked or were never opened up.

Unsurprisingly, an I-It relationship is meaningless – it barely even qualifies as a relationship. It’s largely about people sharing the same space, and little else.

Whereas…

I-Thou (or I-You)

In an I-Thou relationship there is a connection between the parties, where the two people engage with and truly encounter one another.

An I-Thou relationship contains meaning and meaningfulness; there is openness and truth. In an I-Thou relationship you can be authentic, and there is no need to pretend.

My I-It and I-Thou relationships

Going through the relationships in your life, how many would you say are I-It and how many I-Thou?

I-It I-Thou
Are you happy with the balance of I-It and It-Thou relationships in your life? If not, would it be useful for you to either strive to improve the relationships that you have or to find other people that you can form a stronger connection with?
Q: Can you remember – and recount – an everyday encounter with a stranger that led you to an I-Thou moment?
The following extract demonstrates that I-Thou episodes can occur at any time and can be quite profound for both parties.
It is a description of an encounter between a counsellor called John Shlien and a client, as documented in Peter Sanders’s book, The Person Centred Counselling Primer:

“He blew his nose, dropped his handkerchief, and as he picked it up, glanced at me. He saw tears in my eyes. He offered me the handkerchief, then drew it back because he knew he had just wiped his nose on it and could feel the wetness on his hand. We both knew this, each knew the other knew it; we both understood the feel and the meaning of the handkerchief (the stickiness and texture, the sympathy of the offering and the embarrassment of the withdrawal) and we acknowledged each other and the interplay of each one’s significance to the other.”

Professional avoidance vs relationship role models

Martin Buber believed that most societies are set up as I-It, and that the disconnection between institutions and citizens has an alienating effect on individuals.

From the below list of job roles, which do you think encourage people to have an arm’s-length approach towards others, and which do you think embrace the importance of relationships?

While you work through this exercise, it may be useful to explore your own role(s) and determine how many of your daily tasks involve meaningful interactions or avoid being close to people.

Politicians. Teachers. Doctors. Police. Writers. Fire-fighters. Nurses. CEOs. Thieves. Postal workers. Army officers. Drug dealers. Receptionists. Actors. Charity workers. Cleaners. Human resources workers. Cashiers. Mechanics. Gym instructors. Train drivers. Stock market traders. Journalists. Accountants. Social workers. Chefs. Dentists. Youth workers. Web developers. Prostitutes. Engineers. Prison guards. Humanitarian aid workers. Funeral directors. Architects. Lawyers. Carpenters. Hairdressers. Librarians. Photographers. Vets. Telephone helpline workers. Gardeners. Therapists. Security guards.

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