Relationships
Part 4 - Clues from our childhood

In psychological terms, to have an attachment to someone means having a long-lasting emotional bond with them. Other words linked with attachment are: affection, closeness, devotion, loyalty, love, intimacy.

By researching this area, psychoanalysts John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth came up with a notion that every child needs to have an attachment with someone in order to grow, develop and thrive. Unfortunately, not every child gets this opportunity.

A series of experiments called Strange Situation took place in the 1970s, wherein a child and their parent (or care-giver) entered a room containing toys. A stranger then walked into the room and attempted to engage with the child while the parent left the room, before returning after a short spell. In recording the responses of the many children who participated in the experiment, 3-4 different types of attachments were noted:

1. A child with secure attachments happily played with the toys in the room with the parent present, and was also happy to engage with the stranger. However, when the parent left, the child would be upset until re-united. When they were calmed, they would continue their play.

2. Insecure attachments were discovered when a child ignored the parent when they are together in the room, and was seemingly unconcerned when the parent left. The child then ignored them again when they returned.

It didn’t matter if there was someone in the room or if the room was empty: there are no signs of any emotional response from the child. This suggested that no firm bonds had developed in their life to date.

Measuring the heart rate of these children led the researchers to find that while they gave the appearance of being unconcerned by what was happening, the children were in fact anxious and in distress.

3. Ambivalent attachment was found when a child was clearly distressed when their parent left the room, avoided the stranger, and did not play with the toys. When the departed parent returned, the child was conflicted: they wanted to reach out to their parent but at the same time they were angry with them.

4. A fourth classification was later added, known as disorganised attachment. This came from children who for brief moments appeared tense, fearful, jerky, frozen, disjointed and at odds with themselves, like they didn’t know what to do next. This was seen as an indication of neglect, abuse or trauma.

Some of the building blocks of secure attachments include:

• The ability of parents to provide safety and stability, which is recognised as such by the child
• The ability of parents to soothe the distress of their child
• The ability of parents to share with their child, so that the child has a sense of what is going on around them
• Parents who are able to give their child a sense of their own self
• Parents who are attuned or emotionally reactive to the needs of their child
• Parents who can reflect on their experiences (including their actions, their emotions and their thoughts)

Insecure and ambivalent attachment have been put down to parents or care-givers being:

• Inexperienced
• Neglectful
• Inconsistent (with their love, their moods and their general behaviour)
• Emotionally unavailable
• In distress themselves
• Absent for long periods of time
• In poor health
• Suffering from addictions

The type of attachment we had as a child can determine:

• How we view the world
• How we view ourselves in the world
• How confident we are
• How prone we are to anxiety or stress or depression
• How fearful we are
• How guarded and protective we are with others
• How clingy we are
• How easy or hard it is to form relationships with friends, brothers, sisters, and partners, as well as our own children
• Whether or not we are social creatures
• How balanced we are with our emotions
• How much we enjoy our own company
• How trusting we are
• How organised or disorganised we are
• How we cope with life events