Relationships
Part 7 - Love, love and more love

Q: What do you mean when you say the word “love”?

How many different types of love can you think of?
What do you think is the difference between love, being in love or falling in love?
Is love the driving force behind us forming relationships?
So many questions, so many opinions...

The writer Susan Sontag said that no human relations are a mystery – except love. Does she have a point? Should we leave love alone and simply enjoy its mysteriousness?

Here are some love definitions that may help us (or confuse us, as the case may be):
• “an intense feeling of deep affection”
• “warm attachment”
• “a strong feeling of desire”
• “unconditional acceptance and positive regard”

Some say love is a basic need of all humans: just as we can be hungry for food and thirsty for water, so we can be hungry/thirsty for love. Others point out that love is biological, social, psychological and emotional all at the same time. (That’s a whole lotta love!)

Emotionally, where does love start and end? Is it on a spectrum or a continuum? If so, what is above and below love – and where do attraction and lust figure? Is fear the opposite of love? Or is hate? Or something else?

Would it be useful if we mapped out our own notions and experiences of love using metaphors or equations, Venn diagrams, or a landscape such as an island?

Can you have love without anyone else? (Then again, how would you know how to love yourself if it wasn’t from understanding how others give and receive love?)

There is something called self-love*, where you look after yourself and your general well-being. Some people deem this to be selfish [*at SD, we would call this self-worth].

There are also the terms unrequited love, platonic love, as well as love-struck and lovesickness, which suggest that love can make you mentally and physically ill.

Can you enter into the field of love without being vulnerable (vulnerable to hurt and pain, to rejection, to loss, to losing control, to losing yourself, your identity, your shape)? If you are unable to take a risk, if you are overcome by anxiety and fear, does this mean that you never get a chance to experience love?

How do you know when the loving has stopped?
Is there such a thing as unconditional love?
How passive or active would you say you are around love?
Does love simply plop on your lap, or do you have to work for it?

When it comes to your own experiences of love, which questions would be most useful for you to answer?

If love is the ultimate and highest goal to which we can aspire, as suggested by holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl, what happens to us if we can’t get our hands on it?

It may be that…

• We never experienced it from our parents, so how are we supposed to know how to get it as adults?
• We are unlucky in love
• We are fearful of getting hurt
• We cannot take off our armour plating
• We are emotionally scarred by traumatic relations in the past
• We are stuck in loveless relationships
• We do not know which way to turn
• We hate ourselves and do not think we deserve love

Either way, if we are not getting our needs met with love, and nothing is truly ever going to replace the feelings that you get when you are in love… what do we do? Here are some things that people have been known to use or do as a substitute for love:

• drugs (some drugs mimic the sensation of love or falling in love)
• loveless (or paid-for) sex
• pornography
• masturbation
• eating
• physical exercise
• gambling
• psychological game-playing
• devotion to work
• seeking power and control
• making money
• becoming politicised
• becoming pregnant/having a baby
• getting a pet
• turning to a god/religion/cult

Some of these substitutes may be temporary, while some may be longer-term. Some may be useful or harmless, whereas others may be harmful to you or to others – or to both.

If you are aware of your own substitutes of love either in the past or the present, it may help to write them down.

Unfortunately, if some people have experienced an absence of love for a significant amount of time, or have been severely wounded in love, hatred may start to creep into their lives. This may be directed inwards or out into the world. The risks of this are:

Through:

• isolation
• alcohol
• drugs
• medication
• putting yourself at risk of harm
• lack of self-care
• victimhood
• self-loathing behaviour
• avoidance of relationships
• shut-down of emotions
• self-harm
• procrastination
• homelessness
• custodial sentence
• suicide

Through:

• trolling
• anti-social behaviour
• extreme behaviour
• aggressive behaviour
• destruction
• threats
• acts of terror
• verbal abuse
• angry outburst
• violence and torture
• patriotism
• going to war/joining the armed forces
• bigotry
• human trafficking
• revenge
• using a cause as a cover for hatred
• homophobia
• misogyny
• racism
• coercive and abusive relationships
• rape
• murder

People who have become consumed with hatred can easily find justifications for what they are doing. Often these people can be particularly vulnerable and open to being exploited and manipulated by people and groups who have their own agenda.

Unless you are lying on your death bed with only seconds to go before your time is up, the good news is that you can always get back to love.