The twenty-second revolution

[Authenticity; falsehoods]

Authenticity is about being yourself rather than attempting to be anything else. It may seem blunt to say this, but many people are used to putting on an act or stepping into a role when they engage with other people – especially at work. Think here of a politician making a speech on TV, then imagine what they’re like in the morning at the breakfast table. Do you think any of the politician’s family members would tolerate having to put up with the TV persona while they’re eating?

It may be more interesting to ask yourself if you’re the same person when studying/working as you are with your parents, as you are with your friends, as you are with the postal worker, as you are with your partner, as you are walking the dog?

Most people seem to be a mixture of honesty and falseness, sincerity and insincerity. They withhold some thoughts, emotions and actions, whereas they deem other aspects of themselves to be okay to let out. But how amazing would it be for someone to experience a person who is just being themselves, nothing more, nothing less. Imagine how disarming and powerful it could be to know it’s okay to let your own guard down a little because you’re in the company of someone who is so down-to-earth that you feel you can trust them with your story, your own fragility.

Donald Winnicott saw being true as being alive and free and spontaneous, while being false was part of complying with other people’s demands or expectations. He saw falsehood as an important defence for a child to take against poor parenting. The false self protects the true self against being damaged by the craziness of parents.

What follows next are two incomplete lists of words, terms and phrases that could be placed under the banners ‘congruent’ and ‘incongruent.’ See what you think. Please note that the last thing we want to do is to shame anyone by pointing out possible flaws in anyone’s character. It’s very hard in the world we currently live in to be open and honest. If we were completely authentic, there’s every chance we’d end up in prison for it.

Possible descriptors of authenticity: Genuine. Real. The real deal. Down to earth. Being true to yourself. Openness. Being an open book. Opening up to yourself and others. Open to new experiences. Wearing your heart on your sleeve. Warts and all. Unpretentious. Truthful. Trustworthy. Simple. Honest. Natural. Aware. Accurate. Direct. Straight. Straightforward. Frank. Transparent. Accountable. Embracing all aspects of yourself, light and dark. Allowing yourself to experience a full life. Accepting your emotions. Allowing your emotions to guide you. Being non-judgmental with yourself and others. A willingness to explore and understand yourself. Letting go of what is not you and keeping what is. Bullshit-detecting. Not lying. Not avoiding. Not denying. Not pretending. Not suppressing. Not repressing. Not ignoring. Not falsifying. This is who I am, for better or for worse.

Meanwhile, falsehoods are the parts of our lives that are not true to ourselves, a side to us that isn’t real or honest. This is all the aspects of our life that are deceitful, yet we live with them nonetheless. There are two types of falsehoods: those that we’re fully aware of and those that go on just beyond our consciousness.

Here are a few quick examples of how it seeps into our lives: Lying, denying, repressing, suppressing, avoiding, pretending, ignoring, falsifying. Meanwhile the list below barely scratches the surface of the fabrications we’re all capable of. But we will make a start all the same...

Possible descriptors of falsehood: Lying to yourself. Lying to others. Buying into the lies that others tell you (because you want to hear them). Avoiding responsibility for your own actions/inactions. Saying things that you don’t believe, e.g., “I love you” or, “I’m fine” when you are not fine. Or not saying things when they’re really important to say. Or saying yes when you mean no (and vice versa). Making excuses when you cock up. Blaming other people for your own mistakes. Not owning up to things. Pleasing other people, rather than yourself. Working out what people want to hear when you talk, rather than talking naturally and freely. Going for the easy option time and time again. Buying into other people’s certainty, when deep down you know there’s no certainty. Believing you’re somehow better than anyone else at any given moment in time. Looking the other way when a problem arises. Ignoring the reality of a situation because you can’t deal with it right now – or ever. Promising to do something with no intention of delivering. Doing something in bad faith. Only seeing what you want to see. Avoiding an inconvenient truth. Justifying your own unacceptable behaviour because you don’t want to feel awkward and uncomfortable. Faking your smiles, your laughter, your interest. Suppressing your emotions. Playing mind-games with other people. Letting other people play mind-games with you. Kidding yourself (and others) that all will be fine when you know it won’t. Polishing a turd. Pretending things didn’t happen when they did. Avoiding eye contact with other people. Point-scoring. Taking the moral high ground on any particular issue. Believing that your values and beliefs are better than other people’s. Refusing to see someone for who they are, instead seeing them as you want them to be. Being two-faced. Avoiding hurt and pain with alcohol and drugs. Letting fear eat away at your life. Not getting your needs met and pretending this is okay. Pretending you care about something when you don’t. Avoiding the darker aspects of yourself and your own world. Denying the truth of a situation because you don’t want to have to deal with the fallout.

How can we lead an authentic life if, at the same time, we have all this incongruency? The answer to this could be relatively straightforward: we can work on developing an authentic life by incorporating it into our revolution, into our wellness-focused design for life.

“I have become a great question to myself.”
Aurelitis Augustinus

“There ain’t nothin’ more powerful than the odour of mendacity... You can smell it. It smells like death.”
Tennessee Williams, Cat On a Hot Tin Roof

“Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truths than lies.”
Friedrich Nietzsche