Wellness Calendar: Tuesday 23 December

The twenty-third revolution

[Unconditional positive regard; prizing]

Another tenet of person-centredness is called unconditional positive regard. This is about prizing the person/people you are with for who they are, not for who they might be, or who they were, or because they have done this or that. This is about caring for someone in the present moment in time without any conditions attached.

Unconditional positive regard is important, as all human beings need to be recognised and valued and feel trust, respect, warmth and love in some way. Could you be the one to give another person what they need?

The word unconditional is particularly important here. This is about letting a person speak freely without you trying to decide what’s important and what's not, or box what they are saying into good and bad, right and wrong, or leading them down paths that you want to go, rather than following their lead.

Some people may be in a state of distress because they have low self-worth through shame, guilt or blame. If you were to avoid or dismiss this stuff as ‘negative,’ and try to concentrate on ‘positive’ stuff, you’re doing them a real disservice.

Attempts to rescue someone from their own self-loathing are going to fail, and will only help you because you are uncomfortable watching someone in distress. Being unconditional means allowing someone to show all of their self, unreservedly and unashamedly, without seeking to change them.

Counsellors and therapists work with people who may have done terrible acts to other people – acts that in themselves may disgust and outrage. However, the whole point of being unconditional is to be able to differentiate between a person and their actions. It’s useful to remember that any form of therapeutic intervention is set up to be a force for good, and if it can decrease harm in our communities by helping to rehabilitate abusers and power-mongers, then all good and well. That said, it’s fair enough if you cannot connect with someone because of what they have done. At least you are demonstrating self-awareness, honesty and congruence.

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