Shoulds, musts and oughts

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The Self
Part 6 - Shoulds, musts and oughts

Shoulds, musts and oughts, (or SMOs for short), are part of our everyday spoken language.

‘You should just do what he asks. It’s easier that way.’
‘You must drink that tea before it gets cold.’
‘You ought to think about her feelings, too.’

Should we? Must we? Ought we? Really?

SMOs can act like earworms. When they go unchallenged, we can start to live by them and act on them automatically. We can then start telling other people what they should do, or must do, or ought to do.

How annoying!

Yet right here, right now is an opportunity for us to clock them when they pop up in our head. Then we can make a conscious decision about whether we should, or must, or ought to do anything – or whether we will do no such thing.

SD case study: AJ and his SMOs

As a task, AJ set himself a week to see how many SMOs he had whirling around his head. This is what he wrote in his SD log book.

1. You should always take your coat off when indoors as otherwise you won’t feel the benefit of its warmth when you go outside.
This comes from my gran. I like her a lot, but I am not accepting this. Whether I keep my coat on or take it off is my own decision and it’s not that big a deal.
2. You should eat everything on your plate.
This comes from my mum. Mum, I love you, but if I eat more than I need I will pop.
3. You must stay away from playing music because you are “tone deaf.”
This quote from a horrible, horrible music teacher came into my head after 15 years of blocking her out. Someone recently told me there was no such thing as being tone deaf, so I think I may start learning the piano – not just to spite her, (although that is part of it) but because I would love to play the piano without fear of ridicule.
4. You mustn’t speak ill of the dead.
I don’t know where this comes from – maybe just society in general. But I don’t accept it. I know two people who I hated, and just because they are dead doesn’t mean I am going to suddenly gloss over the bad stuff they did.
So they were the SMOs that AJ decided to get rid of. These are the ones he is keeping, because he thought about them and they make sense to him.

5. You should always wash your hands after going to the toilet.
6. You ought to give up your seat to people who need it more than you do.
7. You must not do your children’s homework for them. Help them, by all means, but do not do it yourself. [Sorry, Dad, that really didn’t do me any favours in the long run.]
Below is space for you to enter your own SMOs. Decide whether or not you want to keep them, adapt them or discard them.

My should, musts and oughts (as well as my should-nots, must-nots and ought-nots). Keep or lose?

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