The Self
Part 12 - Conflicts within us

Q: What are the main conflicts you have within yourself?

A classic fictional account of an internal conflict is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, written by R.L. Stevenson.

Just as there are ways to split and divide yourself, there are also ways in which you can come together – as one. See the examples below:

• Spend time detecting what is going on within you
• Agreeing to disagree
• Unifying yourself through a shared belief, a shared activity or a shared treat
• Learn to forgive yourself, unconditionally
• Making sure all your needs are being met
• Regularly checking in on yourself (to find out if the different parts to you are okay)
• Take time to listen to the parts of you that are angry or upset
• Develop a part of yourself (a self-detective, perhaps) that is completely neutral, that can broker deals and can act as a peacemaker
• Develop self-care and self-love
• Learn to balance and juggle and negotiate with yourself
• Give yourself permission not to give yourself a hard time
• Trust your selves; give them a bit of slack
• Use a sprinkling of humour, as and when required

Q: What can I do to bring harmony back to my ranks?

Here are a series of questions for you to think about:

Your parents tell you that you were a difficult child.

Q: Does this mean you were a difficult child?

Your friends tell you that you have a funny way of walking.

Q: Does this mean you have a funny way of walking?

An ex-partner tells her friends you were a great lover.

Q: Does this mean you were a great lover?

A teacher humiliates you in class by announcing you are a waste of space.

Q: Does this mean you are a waste of space?

A policeman tells you how brave you are for reporting a crime.

Q: Does this mean you are a brave person?

Some people evaluate themselves, their actions and their experiences all by themselves, while others let others do the evaluating for them. Some people do a bit of both.

There is no right or wrong way to measure how you are doing in life (or indeed if you need to do so in the first place). However, some points around this subject are worth bearing in mind:

If you rely on the judgements and opinions of other people when it comes to evaluating yourself, you can become vulnerable to what others say about you. If they say good things about you, maybe that’s great, but what if they say bad things? Where would that leave you? Which would you choose to believe?

You might end up worrying what other people think about you.
You might end up changing yourself to try and fit into someone else’s world, rather than your own.
You might get yourself in to all sorts of tangles.

If you evaluate yourself by yourself then you get to decide what is what.
This is fine if you like yourself, or if you trust yourself, or if you are fair in your appraisal, but if you don’t like yourself or you don’t trust yourself or your self-esteem is low… what then?