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Different ways of experiencing the world around us

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Part 5 - Different ways of experiencing the world around us

When we meet someone and we start talking, we often assume that this person will see the world as we do. This is not to say they will have the same values and beliefs (although you may assume this, too), but rather that their grasp of reality will be at the same level as ours. Yet there is every chance that it won’t be, simply because we all have different ways of processing and filtering the information we are receiving from the external world.

Psychoanalyst Peter Fonagy wrote a lot about this subject, calling it mentalization. No doubt he called it this in recognition of all the mental activity that is going on inside us as we sieve through what our senses and receptors are feeding us.
How each of us experiences the world will depend on how we perceive things. How we imagine things. How we interpret things. How we represent things. Just to be clear: when we say things, we are mostly talking about the actions, emotions and thoughts that come from both ourselves and others.
Fonagy noticed that how we view and experience the world has a lot to do with how we were brought up: how our parents experienced the world and how we experienced their experiencing – if that makes sense!

He argues the point that as well as strong attachments to our parents being really important to our well-being, learning how to use our mental states to process information is also really important for our relationships and our basic survival.
Fonagy discovered that good parenting can lead to children growing up able to adapt to situations quite easily, using all their facilities to regulate their psychological and emotional states. While poor parenting can cause all sorts of psychological disturbances, the child grows up unable to interpret actions, feelings, and thoughts and unable to adapt to stressful situations.
In this sense, what Fonagy is actually saying is that ‘attachment’ and ‘mentalization’ come from the same stable. A parent with good mental function is likely to be good at making bonds with their children. A parent with poor mental function is likely to be poor at making bonds with their children. This is because part of making attachments and connections with people is about the quality of how you experience what is going on.
Hopefully you will now see just how important this subject is: because whether or not you recognise yourself as having had good or bad parenting, secure or insecure attachments, basic or advanced ways of experiencing, you are living in a world full of people who are not on the same page/mental state/planet as you.
Here are a few examples of the vast differences between people in their ways of experiencing the world.

Some people are aware that they are in a certain mental state and that this will change over time. (“I know this mood will pass; it always does.”)
Other people are unaware of such changes, nor aware of having different mental states.

Some people are able to change their mental state in order to reduce discomfort or distress. (“I need to get out of this environment, so I’ll phone a friend and clear my head.”)
Others do not know how this would work.

Some people can update the notions they have of the world based on new information. (“Now I know my father was suffering himself when I was a child, I no longer take what happened so personally.”)
Others cannot or do not.

Three different ways of experiencing the world

Fonagy saw different stages of experiencing as part of a human’s natural development cycle – from childhood to adolescence and into adulthood – although not everyone manages to remain within the final stage.

Stage 1 (basic)

Babies and young children only have one dimension of experiencing. They do not know anything except their own inner world, which to them is the same as the outer world. For them, there is no difference between belief and fact. If a baby feels good, then they are good. If they feel bad, then they are bad. They are passive: things happen to babies without them being in control.

Stage 2 (pretend)

In this stage, young children develop a powerful ability to pretend and make believe. This is often carried out through play, during which the inner self becomes detached from the outside world, allowing them to make up their reality as they go along. During these experiences, they may deny, distort or ignore anything that they do not like or do not wish to contemplate. In essence, they avoid any reality that threatens their well-being.

Stage 3 (reflecting)

Not until the age of four do children start to separate their internal world from the external world. They can now start to form experiences with things that are outside of them, such as people and places and objects.

Children can now reflect on what they think and feel and do. They can have feelings about what they think and think about what they feel. They can also act according to the messages they get from their thoughts and emotions: otherwise known as being reflective.

Being reflective allows us to rationalise things. It stops us taking offence at other people’s behaviour, since we can begin to understand what it might be like to be in their shoes. Being reflective gives us the capacity to pick up signals, and to see ourselves (and others) in depth and in detail. Being reflective gives us the chance to figure out what we (and others) need.
Here are some examples of what an adult may be experiencing within each stage:

Examples of basic experiencing (1):

• If I am thinking something, it must be true – and therefore I need to act on it.
• I know that I have the right answer, because I have a gut feeling.
• If I am certain about something, then I am correct.
• If I am uncertain about something, it is likely to be because I am incorrect.
• I am ill because a person sneezed on the bus yesterday.
• I know what someone is going through because I have been through it myself.
• My parents split up, and it was my fault.

Examples of pretend experiencing (2):

• Life is easier when you pretend that it is.
• I prefer to think that everything is fine, even when it clearly isn’t.
• I like to think I know what I am doing, even when I clearly don’t.
• I think everyone is kind at heart.
• I think that love can always win over hate.
• I put all my faith and trust in other people – and regularly get hurt, abused and taken for a ride.
• I put bills away in cupboard drawer so I can forget that they are there.
• I like to keep all my unpleasant things in a box.
• I take medication to make the hurt go away.
• I am always happy and content, wear a smile and have an upbeat voice.
• I don’t like people who are miserable; they spoil my day.
• I don’t need to take responsibility for my life; other people do that for me.

Examples of reflective experiencing (3):

• I am okay living with uncertainty.
• I am continually updating my understanding of myself and the world around me.
• I am learning to be non-judgmental with myself and with others.
• I am learning not to take things personally.
• I use feelings as a guide to how I am.
• While I have thousands and thousands of thoughts every day, I know that I do not need to act on them. I will only act on the ones I consider to be important.
• I enjoy other people’s company, and I know that being around stable people improves my well-being.
• I find people who are unstable hard work. I can enter into their world when I feel strong, but sometimes I cannot.
• I do not like it when other people try to force their experience of the world onto me, as though their version is right and mine is wrong.
• I am aware of just how much effect my childhood had on who I am now.

My own ways of experiencing

We now invite you to take your time and, over the course of a week, or a month, work out which of your experiences go into one of the three ways of experiencing.
My observed basic experiencing:





My observed pretend experiencing:





My observed reflective experiencing:





If you wish to become more reflective than you currently are, there are a number of avenues you can go down.
• Develop a neutral side to your personality that does not rush to make judgements, decisions or actions.
• Increase your general levels of awareness of what is going on inside your mind and body, as well as what is going on around you.
• Find the company of people who you know to be reflecting to a high level. Learn from them; soak up their wisdom.
• Share yourself with people – and become more real for doing so. Share your thoughts and emotions, and listen to other people doing the same.
• Continue to explore yourself.

Recovery from a tough start in life

Below are a few suggestions on how you might get the ball rolling on your journey into recovery. You may already be doing some of these, or other things.
1. Recognise that your childhood was tough and has created problems in your life.
2. If you are in a pretty chaotic state, your first port of call might be (i) developing a structure to your life and a simple day-to-day routine (ii) deciding in which order you would like your recovery to take place (i.e. where would you like to start?).
3. Find a recovery model that suits your needs. This may be one you have found from the internet, such as the Trauma Recovery Model, or a self-help book, or continuing with Self Detective, or one you wish to design yourself.
4. Be realistic: recovery will take time and there will be hurdles and setbacks along the way.
5. Be nice to yourself. Do not rush. Take small, purposeful steps.
6. Decide who can be on your team to help you move forward.
7. Who blocks you going forward? Can you see less of them?
8. Work out a balance between self-sufficiency and dependency (there are pros and cons to doing things on your own and doing things with others).
9. Find people who are real. Find people who have secure attachments. Find people who are able to reflect on their experiences. Find people who have overcome adverse childhood experiences/insecure attachments and are willing to share their time with you (they are sometimes known as ‘wounded healers’).
10. Find supportive health practitioners, such as doctors, who may be able to refer or signpost you to a specialist service.
11. Find out what psychological interventions are available to you in your area. Put your name down on the waiting list.
12. If you think you may have developed a condition that has a medically recognised label, you may wish to consider being assessed. (N.B. Having a diagnosis is a positive experience for some people, as it allows them to access certain treatments, while for others it is an unwanted label and detrimental to their well-being).
13. Allow yourself to grieve for your losses.
14. Consider one-to-one counselling.
15. Consider group work or a support group.
16. Set yourself a goal or a target.

Good luck!

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