Process of Change
Part 3 - Levels of change

I do not want to change.
I do not like to change.
I am resistant to change.
I am fearful of change.

I stay mostly in my head. I have too many thoughts for my own liking – but I don’t know how to stop them.
I try not to think of things I don’t like.
I don’t trust my emotions. I don’t like the fact that I cannot control them. I tend to try to stop them coming out. Every now and then I have a big blow-up, like a volcano. Then I have nothing. Then it builds up again, until I explode again.

The problems I experience in life are not my fault. They are other people’s. If everyone just left me alone I would be fine.

If I am ill or depressed or stressed or anxious, I look for a pill to sort me out. Or I will use alcohol or a recreational drug. Or I will buy something to cheer myself up.

I wouldn’t describe myself as happy or unhappy. I see myself as normal. I am fixed. I am rigid. I am staying put. There is no need for me to grow or develop or change. Life is simple: everything is either right or wrong, black or white, true or false, good or bad. There is no in-between. My attitude is pretty straightforward. You abide by authority. You keep out of trouble and you will be okay.

I don’t particularly want to change, but I will if I have to.
I’m not completely static. I do try to adapt to different situations when necessary.

Talking about myself makes me uncomfortable. I am not prepared to take all responsibility for myself and my actions, but I will accept some. Most of my actions are because of what other people have done. I will only accept blame if they are blamed too, otherwise that is not fair.

I don’t like having feelings, but I do let some of them out, like when I get angry or when I’m really, really sad. I might even shed a few tears when no one else is around. On the other hand, sometimes I can have a laugh with my friends. Sometimes, especially when I’ve had a drink, I can be a little bit too honest about some of my thoughts and feelings. But the next day I will pretend that it never happened. Everyone finds talk like that a bit awkward.

I’m willing to accept that there are a few problems in my life, though I would rather try and fix them myself than involve anyone else.

There are some things in life that you must do and should never be questioned, like respecting your parents no matter what. Otherwise there will be chaos and disorder. I know what I am good at and I know what I am bad at – and that is that. These are facts. Full stop.

Sometimes I want to do something, but a part of me stops me from doing it, so I don’t do it. I guess we are all like that. I would like to be happier in my life, but I just don’t know how.

I’m up for improving my life, definitely.
I’m okay talking about myself (up to a point).
I can express my thoughts pretty well.
I also have feelings and a whole load of emotions. I let half of them come out. Some I hold back – like when I am irritated with my boss.

I have some sense of who I am and what I want from life. I also have a sense that I’ve barely scratched the surface as to what makes me tick. I don’t want to be stressed all the time. I think I deserve a better life. And I think my partner does too, because they get a lot of my grief.

I think a lot of my problems stem back to my childhood and my relationship with my parents. They set such high standards and I seemed to fail them all the time. But I’ve never really taken the time to work it out before: it all seems a bit messy and overwhelming.

I’d like to be more relaxed. I’d like to take more care of myself, but I don’t seem able to find the time. My partner thinks I’m a people-pleaser. Do you think I’m a people-pleaser?

I know I give myself a hard time. I think I am a bit of a perfectionist. I also know there are a few things in my life that I am ashamed of. I don’t think I will ever be able to get rid of this baggage. Anyway, it’s not all doom and gloom, as I enjoy going to restaurants and seeing films.

I am willing and able to explore my ‘self’ to find out what makes me do the things I do – until I get stuck, or until it becomes really emotionally painful. Then I struggle.

I see feelings as good and bad. I prefer the good ones.
I aim to be as real as I can, but when I am at work or with some of my friends it isn’t quite that easy.

So far, on my journey of discovery, I am aware that things that happened when I was young have a big impact on me now.
I am aware that I can be very defensive in certain situations.
I am aware that there are patterns of behaviour in my life that would be worth looking at in more detail: patterns of choosing the wrong partner and of choosing the wrong paths.

I can see that reflecting on my ‘self’ from time to time will definitely improve the quality of my life. I am aiming to be more flexible in all areas of my life, yet this can be hard as I am quite a control freak. I hate feeling out of control.

I don’t blame anyone for how I got to be who I am. I do think my parents could have shown me a bit more love than they did, but I am willing to take responsibility for my own life.

My range of cultural experiences has increased over the years. You are just as likely to find me in the theatre as you are to find me watching a live concert.

I’m starting to piece more and more of life together.
There is so much about myself that I can now see, and I am happy to share this information with important people in my life.

The buzz word for me at the moment is process.
My processes: the things I do out of habit, the things that are really ingrained in my psyche. I see that there are lots of things going on in my life, not all of them particularly healthy.
For example, I have noticed a process of being constantly disappointed with the people around me. Each time it happens I now stay with the thoughts and feelings I have, rather than hide them away, rather than be ashamed of them. By doing this, I came to realise that this disappointment was actually all to do with me and nothing to do with them.

I’m not so stuck anymore on having values that restrict what I can and cannot do. I don’t mind making a fool of myself if it means I can enjoy myself. I’m starting to like myself better. I’m learning to spot all the shoulds, musts and oughts that hampered my life. I support myself more now. I challenge myself more. I think I care for myself more as well: as in I don’t beat myself up all the time.

I have much better relationships with my family and friends because I don’t take what they say so personally anymore. They have noticed that I have changed. Everyone has noticed.