Coping Strategies
Part 14 - Wellness and forgiveness

Here are two very blunt questions for you to consider if you have ever been hurt, harmed or wronged.

Q: Can striving for justice (such as revenge, retribution, punishment, payback, retaliation) bring you wellness, or are they two different beasts altogether?

Similarly, if you have become a victim of someone or something...

Q: Can being in the state of victimhood give you wellness, or not?

The reason we ask these questions is that at Self Detective our only concern is your well-being and the well-being of others. If seeking justice or being in a passive victim-mode doesn’t help your well-being or gets in the way of your wellness, then perhaps it’s not the path to take.

Here is another couple of direct questions for you to ponder.

Q: If you have been hurt or harmed or wronged in any way, what are your options?
Q: If you have hurt or harmed or wronged someone else in any way, what are your options?

Might there be a choice to make between doing something about it and doing nothing? Might there be a decision to make as to whether you can move on from the pain/shame or whether you cannot? Which then might raise the question: Can I truly move on without some form of letting go, without some form of forgiveness, either to another or to myself (or both)?

In Polynesian culture, particularly in Hawaii, forgiveness and reconciliation are an important part of avoiding sickness. They have a word, Ho’o pono pono, which translates into English as: “To put to rights.” They also have the following mantra:

How much does guilt, shame and/or blame affect your life?

How much does anger, frustration, hatred and/or bitterness towards others affect your life?

Would you benefit from being able to let go of certain thoughts and feelings and to receive forgiveness from yourself?

Would you benefit from being able to let go of certain thoughts and feelings that are aimed at other people?

Imagine a small island you can go to, by boat, that is set up to help you forgive yourself and/or to forgive others and to allow you to move on in your life. What might this island look like? On the island, you can get to do all sorts of things, but the main focus of the location is to help you to:

• Resolve internal and external conflicts.
• Find ways of existing other than to punish/hate yourself and others.
• Explore the length and breadth of forgiveness and self-forgiveness.
• Let go of your shame, guilt and blame.
• Release your anger.
• Leave aspects of yourself behind on the island that you do not want to take home with you.
• Heal wounds and move forward in your life.

We are soon going to encourage you to create your own forgiveness island, one that you can then walk around, explore and engage in – on an imaginary level. For the time being, however, we will give you a description of the Self Detective forgiveness island, which you may also wish to experience.

The first thing you notice as you step from your boat onto the beach of Forgiveness Island is how quiet and peaceful it is. Apart from the odd sound of a bird, the lapping of the sea and a light breeze in your ear, the place feels exceptionally peaceful.

The next thing you notice as you make your way up a sandy path is a huge waving flag with the words of the Ho’o Pono Pono mantra on it: “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.”

Once you reach the top of the path, the sand gives way to grass and flowers. The ground is flat and even beneath your feet. You have a choice of paths. You walk to the left and follow a border of purple hyacinths – a flower that symbolises forgiveness.

You briefly enter a small woodland. The trees are covered with messages that other people have written either by laboriously cutting out letter shapes on the leaves or else by writing on a label and tying it to a branch. You read what they say. You then notice a pile of pens and labels on the ground. You pick one up and write a message that you attach to a tree.

Further along you come to a wishing well. You close your eyes, throw a coin down the well and when you hear a splash you make a wish.

Past the wishing well there are two signs pointing in opposite directions, one says Animals the other says Humans. If you follow the animal sign you will get to spend time in a sanctuary for small creatures. Instead you follow the other sign which takes you into a field full of random pieces of wood, nails and hammers, alongside thirty or so people. Nobody says a word, but they smile at you as pass them and you nod your head as you look at the structures that they are making to express what forgiveness means to them.

You reach a river. It is called Mercy. Looking down on the water from a bridge, you take from your backpack a paper boat you made for this very occasion. You drop the boat into the river and watch it float out to sea. You hadn’t planned to wade into the water, but the urge is strong, so you take off your shoes and socks, roll up your trousers and immerse yourself in the coolness and the strength of the river Mercy.

On the other side of the bridge is an area of giant-sized mirrors that reflect the beauty of the surrounding nature. You are encouraged to sit on a stone and view yourself as part of the environment. After a spell, you do feel strangely connected to the landscape.

You are almost ready to leave the island. There is but one last thing to do. You get out your map of the island and look to find where the burial ground is sited. (Here you will find a patch of land, two feet square, that has been reserved for you.) When you get there, you find hundreds of rows of coloured stones, marking out each person’s plot.

You get out a hand trowel and start to dig. Once you have created a hole big enough, you place the items you have brought with you into the hole and cover it with soil. You then pick a stone from a central barrel, place it on your allotment and take a picture of it.

As you return to your boat on the beach, you inhale the air and notice how much lighter you feel. You rub your shoulders and realise that the tension has been lifted. You are no longer holding any grudge. You have walked away from the past and you are now looking forward to returning home, without the hurt and pain you came with.