Recognising when you have limited options

Previous / Next

Coping Strategies
Part 15 - Recognising when you have limited options

Sometimes we can put ourselves under a lot of pressure to do something that will improve the quality of our lives, by trying to resolve a dilemma or a problem. But what if we can’t change or alter our situation? What if we are blocked or restricted in our options or our movement? Surely in these cases it is better to recognise that we cannot do very much, rather than invest time and effort for little reward and plenty of frustration and upset?

Another way of phrasing this is to ask, “when is it better for you to let go of hope than it is to keep hold of it?”

Below are some examples of when we have little wiggle room.

Double-bind

Being in a double-bind situation can be really tough and destructive, because whatever you do will be wrong, since you are in a no-win position. It could be that you are given two instructions that conflict or contradict one other. It could be that you are going to be told off no matter what you do.

Sometimes, whether consciously or unconsciously, people use double-binds to control others: to confuse them and manipulate them. Often the most damaging time to have to deal with a double-bind is as a child, when your parents give you an impossible mixed message:

They may say, “Come and give me a kiss.” Yet, when you go to give them a kiss, they pull away from you.
They may say, “If you love me you will do as I say.”
They may say, “You have to go to the toilet now” (when you do not need to go).

Gregory Bateson, an anthropologist, looked into this and saw that being trapped in a double-bind environment can lead to schizophrenia – that is to say, confusions and distortions in the way we think and communicate.

Damned if you do

Damned if you don't

Yet there is a way out of a double-bind.
It comes when you stop seeing it as a big deal.
It comes when you stop buying into the reality of other people.
It comes when you remove other people’s goal posts and start to move through life using your own set of rules, your own internal compass and your own codes.

A square peg in a round hole

If you are a square peg in a round hole, it means you will never fit into the hole, no matter what you do (unless you are able to bend your shape and become something that is no longer you). Accepting that you do not fit into a social gathering may save you a lot of trouble. However, if you have to fit in, because there is no other choice, then maybe it is important to be aware of who you really are and where you started from, so you can go back to being you when the environment is less hostile.

Catch 22

A paradox is a statement that at first sight may appear to make sense but which is actually illogical, incorrect, contradictory or may contain truth and falsehood at the same time.

Catch 22 is a paradox from which you cannot escape, because you are blocked by impractical or unfair rules and regulations.

Joseph Heller published the novel Catch 22 in 1961. The book is full of crazy paradoxes that highlight the absurdity of war, the military and bureaucracy, as well as abuses of power that hide in plain sight.

Here are some quotes from the text:

“Catch 22 says they have the right to do anything we can’t stop them from doing.”

““From now on I'm thinking only of me."
Major Danby replied indulgently with a superior smile, "But, Yossarian, suppose everyone felt that way."
"Then," said Yossarian, "I'd certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way, wouldn't I?”

“Victory gave us such insane delusions of grandeur that we helped start a world war we hadn’t a chance of winning. But now that we are losing again, everything has taken a turn for the better, and we will certainly come out on top again if we succeed in being defeated.”

A classic example of a catch 22 is being encouraged to do whatever you want, so long as the powers-that-be agree with it.

[Similarly, Hobson’s Choice is when you are free to make the choice – even though there is only one choice that is on offer. Another way of setting out the choice is to say ‘Take it or leave it’ or ‘It’s my way or the highway.’]

Zugzwang

The definition of this German word is a situation where you have to undertake an action that is to your own disadvantage. It is often associated with games, such as chess.

Sometimes we are forced to move, even though we do not want to, as doing so would result in a negative impact on our lives. For example, we are told to move out of a house because the landlord does not want us there anymore, or because a relationship has broken down, yet we do not want to leave.

Deadlock

Continue reading

This interactive workbook and many more are avaliable free at My Self Detective: